May 8, 2008

Big.Talk

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis

Jack Ass Jokes


A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

“What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

Vanessa.Hudson.Sex.Tape?


Ready for Vanessa Hudson sex tape scandal? What’s possibly nothing but a rumor, the claims that Vanessa shot a cell phone video of herself sitting under a Christmas tree naked, wearing nothing more than a Santa hat and red thong decorated with mistletoe. Apparently, Hudgey says some shit like “I want Santa to come up my chimney because I’ve been a good little girl this year.” LOL, who comes up with this shit?

The High School Musical actress has previously dealt with a scandal after pictures of her posing naked a appeared on the internet. The 19-year-old is currently in Texas filming her new movie ‘Will.’ She has also signed on for the third and final installment of High School Musical. Her boyfriend and co-star Zac Efron has signed on as well as her close friend Ashley Tisdale.

I’ll believe it when I see it. TransWorldNews doesn’t exactly seem like a legit source, so hold out and if a sex tape surfaces, be sure to find it posted here!

Sexiest.Hollywood.Butt's


Left : Kim Kardashian
Right : Jessica Biel

Lauren Hastings Wishes Lindsay Lohan the Best

video

Lauren Hastings, the young model who recently sat down to discuss her issues with Lindsay Lohan the clothes thief and raging bitch, is back at Buzznet to weigh in on the most recent developments in LiLoLand and talk about the party scene in Hollywood.

I don’t know why I dig these videos so much. There’s not much new here, but there’s something about this girl that’s just infinitely watchable.

Lindsay.Lohan.With.Knives


You’re all going to be searching for these pictures of Lindsay Lohan with a knife come Monday, so we may as well have them here. Frankly, I don’t find these as terrifying or shocking as some do — the girl’s a drug addict. She was drunk and high and playing with knives. Who hasn’t been there?

Anyway, News of the World can’t seem to get their story straight about this one. First, they say the pics were “taken just weeks before she was admitted to rehab for the second time” and later they say they were “taken four months ago.” I’m sure someone can do a hair color analysis and determine when they were taken, pretty much to the hour, but who cares? They were taken, and girlfriend was fucked up.

If this isn’t enough fun for you, News of the World is making up quotes again. A “friend from Lindsay’s inner circle” talks about her current stay at Promises: “On the first night she couldn’t stop crying. Since then she’s refused to follow the rules and keeps having hissy fits about people. In one of her group meetings she yelled that her friend Paris was a coke whore and couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been driving while banned. She said, ‘Paris thinks she’s above everyone. She’s not. Paris is a stupid cow and deserves what she gets’ … She saw a woman who is bulimic and said, ‘She’s like Nicole. What problems does Nicole have? The girl just needs to eat. Period’.”

Then the friend’s all like, “She cries all the time at what a mess her life has become and how she has behaved like a complete tart. The clinic even took her mobile from her to make sure she can’t call people who are a bad influence on her. But she went berserk so they gave her a new phone with only the numbers of her family, publicist and agent on it.”

This is such bullshit. First off, memo to NotW: Americans do not say “tart” and they do not say “mobile.” They say “asshole” and “cell phone.” So maybe Lindsay’s tattling BFF is British? Doubtful. More likely, she’s completely fabricated. And how on earth would she have all this info? If Lindsay’s having so much trouble using a cell phone, how is she getting in touch with these international pals? And why is she reciting to them exactly what she said in group therapy? Such, such bullshit. But feel free to pretend it’s real, because it’s fun that way.

Anyway, moral of the story: Lindsay Lohan is fucked up and needs help.

Enjoy the pics.



Jail.Is.Hot


Paris is going to make the most out of her jail stay. She already has pimped out her best friend and her dog and now is going to use prison as a way to get more famous. As much as I hate this girl…she is kind of a genius.

Sources say the jail-bound heiress has ordered a hair and makeup team to meet her at her Hollywood Hills home at 9 a.m. Monday.

It’s understood that the glamorous inmate-to-be plans to turn the perp walk into a catwalk, and she wants the media to see her looking her best.

“The timing is to make sure she makes all the celebrity weeklies,” an insider says.

“Paris is a genius at marketing herself. She managed to turn having a sex tape to her benefit, and she’s going to do the same out of going to prison.”

But the pal observes: “It’s not just about marketing, it’s about making money. If she can set up her entry into jail in a very grand way, the payoff will be greater.”

Hilton is also said to have decided to write a prison diary during her 23-day sentence, for publication upon release.

Paris is the first celebustard to go to jail. Everyone now is going to want to go. Jail…so hot right now.

You.Have.Got.To.Be.Fucking.Kidding.Me



Less than a week after checking into rehab and claiming that she was going to take it very seriously, Lindsay Lohan was spotted leaving Promises in order to hit up a the gym, now we have pictures.

Really, Lindsay??? I mean, really?

There’s a fucking gym at Promises.

You know what I think? I think this girl cannot stand the thought of not being in the spotlight for thirty days. I think if there is anything she is more addicted to than alcohol and drugs, it’s fame. A couple days without a camera in her face and she’s in full-blown fame DTs. Honestly, Lindsay? Why on earth do you have to leave rehab to go to the gym?

This is ridiculous.

Thanks to Cele|bitchy and TMZ for the pics.

Just.For.Laugh

OFFICER: What is your name?
CANDIDATE: M.P. Sir
OFFICER: Tell me properly
CANDIDATE: Mohan Pal Sir
OFFICER: Your father's name?
CANDIDATE: M.P. Sir
OFFICER: What does that mean?
CANDIDATE: Manmohan Pal Sir
OFFICER: Your native place?
CANDIDATE: M.P. Sir
OFFICER: Is it Madhya Pradesh?
CANDIDATE: No, Mani Pal Sir
OFFICER: What is your qualification?
CANDIDATE: M.P. Sir
OFFICER: (Angrily) What is it?
CANDIDATE: Metric Pass
OFFICER: Why do you need a job?
CANDIDATE: M.P. Sir
OFFICER: And what does that mean?
CANDIDATE: Money problem Sir
OFFICER: Describe your personality.
CANDIDATE: M.P. Sir
OFFICER: Explain yourself clearly.
CANDIDATE: Magnanimous Personality Sir
OFFICER: This discussion is nowhere, you may go now.
CANDIDATE: M.P. Sir?
OFFICER: What is it now?
CANDIDATE: My performance...?
OFFICER: M.P.!!!
CANDIDATE: What is that Sir?
OFFICER: MENTAL PROBLEM!!!


Credit: ScarySoul from friendster.com

Dina.Lohan.Named."Top.Mom"


This is such a dumb publicity stunt.

On Tuesday night, Dina Lohan will be honored by a Long Island-based “charity,” the Mingling Moms Organization, as a “Top Mom.” The term “charity” is used extremely loosely here, as I checked out their website (I’m not linking to it because I refuse to help drive traffic there), and it appears to be mostly a social club. They charge for attendance at their luncheons, which are “so unique because we are the only luncheon/lecture series designed especially for mom and baby!” And I couldn’t find a hint on their website of any of that money going towards anything even resembling a charity. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. But I think I’ll amend my prior statement — the term “charity” is used extremely incorrectly here.

Anyway, Dina Lohan will be honored for exceptional mothering skills, because it takes a lot of guts to be the only person willing to look the American public in the eye and claim that your daughter does not have a drug or alcohol problem when she has been basically pissing Grey Goose since she was 17. It’s true, Dina: your daughter does not have a drug and alcohol problem, at least not in comparison to you.

Other moms “honored” are:

Rae Stern, mother of shock jock Howard Stern; Lillian Robinson (Eddie Murphy); Ann Iris Guttenberg (Steve Guttenberg); Betty Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld); Shelley Stevens Herschlag (Natalie Portman); Amy Hughes (Olympic skating gold medalist Sarah Hughes); and Eileen Connolly (”Entourage” star Kevin Connolly).

“My mom’s a bit more normal,” Connolly laughed when we told him his mother would be honored alongside Dina Lohan. “I wouldn’t have a career at all it wasn’t for her. She’s my favorite person in the world.”

Congrats, Dina. You should celebrate with a drink or eight, and at least half a bottle of Valium. You know, like a normal Tuesday.

There.Can.Be.Only.One


In the Battle of Sibling Hotness, it looks like the Ashleys are coming out on top.

I’ve been talking constantly about how amazing Ashley Olsen looks lately, while Mary-Kate still looks like she collects cans on the side of the street and uses the proceeds to buy heroin (only one-half of that statement is false), and it seems like e-Maxim magazine agrees with me.

They’ve voted Ashley the #47 on their “Hot 100″ list, while Mary-Kate didn’t make the list at all.

Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson rings in at #18 on the list, while big sis Jessica’s struggling over at #53. I totally disagree with this ranking. Ashlee Simpson’s face is fake and disgusting, and as much as Jessica gets on my nerves, she’s a really beautiful girl. Ashlee shouldn’t have made the list at all.

No word yet on who’s #1 on the list.

Any guesses?

Sadness

Britney was spotted crying outside the courtroom during a break in the hearings today!

About an hour into the hearing, [Judge] Gordon took a quick recess, during which Spears was seen outside of the court room, visibly upset, her eyes watery. While she wasn’t crying in the hallway, it appears as though she may have been crying inside the court. Several minutes later, Spears emerged again, holding Berk’s hand and appearing as if she had been sobbing. Gordon called for a break around 11:40, so that he could hear other cases.

Oh Britney!!!

It’s gonna be okay, baby!!!

OMG.You.Guys.the.New New.Kids.On.The.Block.Single.is.FUCKING.AMAZING!!!!!


Ha ha ha.

I’m totally kidding.

It blows huge monkey cock.

It’s called “Summertime,” but it should have been called “We Never Should Have Attempted a Comeback. This Is Embarrassing. Baby.”

Click here to listen.


Juliette Lewis is her name





I have never heard a single song by this band and I never want to, but when I whenever i see that there are new photographs from one of their shows on their myspace.com profile, I always get all excited. She’s so unnecessarily weird on stage. Sometimes I wonder if she ever got out of her Other Sister character. Can you believe this girl used to get to mount Brad Pitt’s pole? Not fair.

Someone Has a Little Too Much Time on Her Hands

Artist: Lindsay Lohan and photographer, Bert Stern, re-create Marilyn Monroe "The Last Sitting" scene. Duh yo'...I love you Lindsay but yo' nothing compare to Marilyn Monroe..Prick!

Miley Cyrus Sexy Photo



Here’s a few new shots of 15-year-old Miley posing all sexy-like.

It’s not that she’s doing anything I wasn’t doing at 15.

It’s just that I don’t think most parents hope this is what their 15-year-old is doing.

Also, Miley, you can do soooo much better than this dude, whoever he is.